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Facebook Archive: September 2019 part one (The first 'real' post)

September was the month I finally started to face the face that I was a mess, I needed help but more importantly, I needed to help myself...

 1st September 2019
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5th September 2019
Note: This is my own image which I added the words to. No idea if it's a particular quote, just words which came to me.
Image may contain: sky, outdoor and text

7th December 2019
This is the one...the first 'real' post publicly acknowledging what was going on. Admitedly, slightly hidden by being in the comments rather than the post itself but anyway...

Emmas first time cooking.

*Insert Photos of my baby-girl cooking*

Comments from me:
Anxiety... A funny word in itself and one which carries an awful lot of weight and pressure for those of us unfortunate enough to suffer with strong bouts of it. I've suffered all my life. As an adult, my struggles have become more apparent. As a parent, they're unreal. I'm sure I'm not the worst sufferer in the world but to me, my triggers are real. They're painful. They're scary and they can literally leave me rocking in a corner!
Mostly, friends and family just accept that there are certain things I cannot do or cannot allow, they accept that I appear stressy and unreasonable and we all get along with our day... Mostly. Sometimes, every now and then, someone will come along and unwittingly challenge my ability to cope. They don't do it on purpose, they don't always even know. In fact, this is the first time I've ever been this public about how I am so most people wouldn't have a clue. Well, here it is. I fight this demon daily and I usually win or at least draw. I haven't been so lucky recently. Someone important made me see that I can and should always win, in fact that I shouldn't even have to fight it so often. It made me realise that I don't want to fight it for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy life without a shadow over me and if not for me, then I want for my kids to have a happier, healthier, more balanced mum. They deserve that. They deserve to not carry this weight of mine on their shoulders.

So, I'm tackling something today. For most, it's a normal activity, something you do automatically with your children as they grow. Teaching your children to cook. Easy, right?! Simple and expected, right? For me, it's a double whammy - putting my children in danger when I don't need to. They don't need to be near a hot hob or oven. Why should they even have to use a toaster which could catch fire? And worse for me... Simply allowing anyone to use my kitchen.
It's entirely unreasonable on the surface but I know why I struggle with it and it's bloomin real to me.

I taught Louise to cook noodles years ago, before this particular issue became such a biggie and she continues to do that mostly without me freaking but even other stuff I taught her around the same time has had to stop because I can't handle it.

Today, I'm taking a stand against the monster. I'm teaching my baby to boil eggs... Not something most would take a picture of but I want to remember this day. Today, I win.

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I am a single mum of two beautiful girls. They are my world and literally the reason I am still alive today. I have suffered severe depression and anxiety on and off since I suddenly lost my mum almost 15 years ago and those two girls are what stops the thoughts going to the darkest place in my darkest times. When I look back, I undoubtedly suffered both long before that but not in the same way, and not to the severity I suffered after. Mum's passing was a pretty big trigger, as I'm sure it would be for many people and whilst the anxieties were there, doing their thing in the background, it was only the depression I recognised and did anything about, leaving anxieties to build and worsen over time. I affectionately refer to my anxieties as crazies - there is no disrespect there, I just find a bit of satire helps my process. I refer to myself as a nutter, a loon or as bat-shit-crazy on a regular basis. After a particularly bad bout of anxiety (a month off work bad), an...
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